Distant Memories
by Gypsy5
Summary: The final chapter is now on *****PLEASE REVIEW*******THANKS********
1. Default Chapter

DISTANT MEMORIES  
  
Disclaimer; Paramount owns all Star Trek.  
  
No definite dates are required, as this is just a conversation between friends. But it takes place after Spirit Folk and before Ultra matrix Zero.  
  
DISTANT MEMORIES  
  
"So as you can see I'm having trouble trying to find out what's happening to them ..." Neelix's question in her head,  
  
"Tomato bugs" the words escaped before she'd even thought them. "Do you.remember. ... Cha?" She stopped. All eyes swivelled in her direction.  
  
"Captain?" B'Elanna Torres was looking at the woman sitting across the table. The room had gone silent.  
  
The morning briefing had gone well, they had no major problems and they'd almost finished just Neelix talking about the problems he was having growing the tomatoes. Looking around the table Kathryn saw them all looking at her waiting for her to elaborate on her words.  
  
Tom was suppressing a grin he recognised a fellow daydreamer, he sat with his hands crossed on the table in front of him. Harry raised an eyebrow this could be interesting he was bored by the talk of Tomatoes too. Neelix looked as if she'd just informed them of the greatest discovery of all time, such blind faith. Tuvok glanced up at her then continued reading his padd realising this was not relevant to their situation. Seven had a look on her face that said "irrelevant".  
  
But Chakotay his face she did not recognise at all? Of course he was the only person who would know the origin of her comment. Maybe he didn't recall at all.  
  
Why should he remember it had been so long ago? But he did.  
  
"I'm sorry, please continue Neelix" making an effort she listened to the remaining concerns Neelix had and the meeting adjourned. They stood and started to leave;  
  
"Commander may I have a word?" As Kathryn spoke he stopped but she realised immediately she had made the wrong choice to try to talk about this now. His body language told her to keep her distance. Damn why did she think she even wanted to talk about this. They'd never spoken of New Earth. Even in times of extreme anger or sadness, nothing had made them break the rule both observed.  
  
Until now, the look she had seen. Anger. She had not recognised it because his anger was rarely seen and never directed toward her, annoyance, amusement, or concern yes but anger, God what had she done.  
  
She realised the mistake she had made allowing herself to daydream. It had begun when Neelix started to talk about tomatoes. Silly and stupid and now she had to face the consequences.  
  
Moving toward him now he did not move a muscle, she paused. The need to try to explain that it was her error; she spoke "Chakotay."  
  
"Captain" by moving behind the title he told her he was not willing to listen. Pushing him would be no use at times he was more stubborn than her. His look told her he was in no mood to retreat. Therefore, she took the only option left to her "Dismissed Commander"  
  
He turned on his heel and left. She sat in the chair what now? 


	2. Distant Memories Chapter 2

Distant Memories Part 2.  
  
Disclaimer; as before Paramount own Star Trek Voyager.  
  
I must tell you *...* indicates thought.  
  
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DISTANT MEMORIES PART 2  
  
He really needed to get away but he couldn't duty first. He sat in his chair hoping she had the sense to stay in the ready room. *damn you Kathryn why are doing this now.* Minutes passed and he started to relax then the doors opened and she stepped onto the bridge. Not looking at him she took her seat. What else had he expected Kathryn Janeway would never hide? He chuckled at the thought *that's exactly what we've both been doing for more than 5 years now*  
  
At his chuckle she turned her head her eyes full of sadness. Immediately he was sorry but he couldn't tell her not here. Then she spoke.  
  
"Commander, something amuses you?" her voice so sharp Paris turned his head taking a quick glance *Oops something's up* he turned to face forward before they noticed him.  
  
"No Captain," damn it Kathryn.  
  
"Then I suggest you keep your thoughts on the matter in hand" she spoke quietly leaning to her left but they all heard her rebuke.  
  
His eyes flashed as he meet hers *be careful Kathryn you started this* they seem to be saying to her and she knew she had, but she was upset by his attitude but more so by her own stupidity. But she couldn't let it go "Commander "her tone told him she was waiting for a response.  
  
Making sure his face betrayed nothing of his thoughts *you have to push don't you Captain, fine have it your way*he turned to face her; his voice clear as he replied "Aye, Captain" then leaning close for her ears only "I keep my thoughts within parameters." His words were meant to wound, seeing her face he'd succeed. But the look of humiliation on her face almost destroyed him. *Hell Kathryn why did you start this* He'd regretted his words as soon as he spoken; damn she'd broken their pact and hurt him. Was he trying to make her realise how much this hurt?  
  
The rest of the shift passed without incident but also without a word being exchanged between them.  
  
Relieved he entered his quarters. After showering he changed into casual clothes. Pondering his next move? Replicating a cup of camomile tea he tried to list his options.1. Ignore it. 2. Try to stay apart until they both calmed down.3. Go and apologise.4. Wait until she apologised 5. Shoot himself. 6. Shoot her. 7. Talk to her: None but the last realistic, he needed to think. Strange though, he'd listed talking last.  
  
As the doors to her quarters closed behind her, Kathryn slumped into the chair. *hell what have I done! What a day.* It had started so well, then she'd ruined it, but instead of trying to solve it he'd sulked and then he'd done something she never expected he hurt her.  
  
Some days she wished she'd never got out of bed, and today was definitely one of those.  
  
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	3. Distant Memories Chapter 3

DISTANT MEMORIES PART 3.  
  
Disclaimer: Paramount own Star Trek Voyager.  
  
Read and Please review Thanks.  
  
I would like to say "Thank You RAT" for all your help and patience in Beta- ing this.  
  
Sleep eluded him. However before he could rest, he needed to think. Equally, before he could think he needed to rest.  
  
He needed to talk with his friend, Kathryn.  
  
Since reading the minutes, he'd begun to realise that she was guilty of nothing more than "daydreaming". Neelix's talk of tomatoes had been the key unlocking the door to memories long since buried. The talk of tomatoes had reminded him too, of the time they'd shared on New earth. He liked to visit that memory occasionally, where he and Kathryn shared laughter, and even dreams.  
  
How could he ever explain to her the reason for his anger? That speaking of that time she had in effect. "Stolen, his dream." Thoughts and memories that were theirs alone, not to be shared with others. He only wanted to remember with Kathryn, but she'd denied him that since their return  
  
When she rebuked him on the bridge in front of the crew, it had hurt him, but even so, his response was inexcusable. The silence that followed was not caused by either his words or hers but the meaning behind them.  
  
Chakotay was restless, pacing his quarters he was overwhelmed by a feeling of being imprisoned, by protocols and four walls. Walking the decks of Voyager was a something he enjoyed. Seeing and been seen by the crew, he knew a first officer needed to be aware of the ships moral. He almost smiled; sometimes he knew the moral before the crew did. By showering and putting on a clean uniform, he felt slightly better. How strangely comforting routine was. Chakotay started his walk.  
  
Kathryn tossed and turned as fragments of the memories kept hidden for so long came back to taunt her.  
  
Memories of New Earth and the peace they'd found in each other's company, of how easily she laughed while she was with him. Evenings spent sitting side-by-side watching the stars, exchanging their hopes and fears. As the days passed and her hopes of finding a cure dimmed, they sat late into the night and shared their dreams.  
  
Remembering how they were, was almost like looking at a Holo Image, memories frozen in time. There were things they never had the chance to do. or say. This was why she'd buried the memories, the pain of remembering felt to intense.  
  
However, memories might be all she had left now. She might have finally managed, after all this time, to destroy their friendship with only a few unintended words. Kathryn groaned as she recalled his eyes. Rising, she grabbed her robe and left the bedroom. She should never allowed their feelings become taboo. These memories always made her sad.  
  
She needed coffee now!  
  
As Chakotay walked he relaxed, he enjoyed the atmosphere of Voyager at night. No wonder Harry liked the shift. On these walks by night, his thoughts sometimes drifted to Earth. Not in the Alpha Quadrant, but their New Earth.  
  
Pausing briefly at the entrance to the mess hall he found it empty, realising he'd been hoping to find Neelix trying out a recipe. Late night chats with Neelix sampling his new recipes always served to cheer him, as long as there was no Leola Root involved. Moving toward the turbo lift, he leaned wearily against the bulkhead and waited for the lift.  
  
Kathryn Janeway often wondered who controlled her destiny, seeing Chakotay as the lift doors opened, only served to prove yet again whom ever it was had a unique sense of timing. He looked tired, and deep in thought. She watched him for a few seconds before he even registered her presence. Struggling to pull himself upright as he spoke "Captain" hearing the discomfort, in his voice. She bit her lip.  
  
Kathryn nodded toward the mess hall "I'm hoping Neelix has some coffee made" she steered clear of using either his rank or his name, feeling the need to keep him talking, but unsure of what to say, she needed to keep it neutral to make him stay.  
  
"He's not there; I was hoping for company myself." Immediately he realised his words could be mistaken as an invitation, but that was not his intention.  
  
"Really, I could do with some company too; care to join me on a midnight raid of the mess hall?" She waited for his response, glad he'd made the first move.  
  
Chakotay's face remained impassive, by his silence Kathryn realised she'd some how misunderstood what he said. She tried to facilitate his escape.  
  
"It's alright. Another time maybe?" The sound of hope and despair in her voice snapped him back to the present, he would not hurt her; again.  
  
He smiled"No, 02.10 hours is the perfect time for a midnight raid." although the smile never reached his eyes, but if she was willing he would to try.  
  
Kathryn let out the breath she wasn't even aware she was holding and followed Chakotay to the mess hall.  
  
"Ahh. At last! Coffee." At the sound of Kathryn's relief as she attacked the coffee machine with determination Chakotay's smile finally reached his eyes.  
  
"What will you have?" she called over her shoulder  
  
"I'll join you in a coffee, Thanks" he replied  
  
"It won't be long" She joined him at the table, sitting back.  
  
"So what have you done to your replicator now? Or has it just gone on strike?" Chakotay tried to lighten the mood that was building.  
  
It worked. The entire crew knew of the long running feud Kathryn had with her replicator, this was neutral ground. Her response as he expected was immediate. "I did nothing! Well, not much, I was too tired.. okay. maybe I should not have threatened it with my boot."  
  
Chakotay laughed a he suddenly had a mental picture of Kathryn descending on an unarmed replicator. "So you've finally resorted to violence.TUT... TUT"  
  
"What else do you expect, it wouldn't give me.. coffee! I was tired" she shifted slightly, and paused a minute before saying anything more. "Chakotay I couldn't sleep.." The atmosphere changed immediately.  
  
"Neither could I." Chakotay answered so quietly she almost missed it. The silence pressed down on them both. Kathryn breaking the spell, moving fetching the coffee.  
  
The activity giving them both, a chance to recover. As Kathryn returned with hot coffee he grinned, "Where's my cream and sugar Kathryn?" he teased.  
  
She feigned a sigh "Do you think I could forget how you ruin perfectly good coffee? I've already added two sugars, and here's the cream" Reaching to pass it their fingers touched, both pulled back. The jug fell and spilt on the table between them.  
  
"Kathryn; are you trying to distract while you poison my coffee" inclining His head toward the spillage, he was trying to break the tension touching had caused.  
  
He threw his head back and laughed at her look of indignation, Kathryn realised he was teasing. Moving swiftly grabbing at a cloth, he dabbed the spilt liquid. She started to pick up the broken pieces, cutting her hand slightly, moving round he took her hand looking at the cut. Suddenly she realised they were standing too close, this man who had been at her side for over 5 years. On the other hand, was it she who was to close? There was no avoiding what was in his eyes; it had been in his eyes since they had come back to the ship.  
  
"Not too bad." Stepping back, he'd felt her discomfort. Smiling as he released her hand.  
  
As he let her hand go, she suddenly felt alone and desperately wanted to feel her hand in his. This was silly she was a grownup but now nothing else mattered but them. She did not move.  
  
Taking a breath as he closed the gap between them, she moved resting her forehead against his chest. He spoke softly into her hair "Kathryn we need to talk..please"  
  
Feeling his words in her hair "Not here Chakotay" 


	4. Distant Memories Chapter 4

DISTANT MEMORIES Chapter 4.  
  
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Distant Memories.  
  
"Where?" Chakotay's need to hold her was intense, but she would never allow that, he stepped back.  
  
Kathryn missed being held. Smiling inside she wondered what Star fleet would make of a Captain who every once in a while needed a hug. Stepping to his side, she slipped her arm into his, "my quarters."  
  
He nodded, as she gave him a smile that tugged his heart. His expression softened, as did his tone. "I've missed you Kathryn."  
  
Feeling her smile starting to fade she lowered her head; this was going to be hard "I've been right here Chakotay, maybe you weren't looking in the right places?"  
  
Watching her, as the memories flashed through his head. He wondered if she would understand if he tried to explain the feelings that were threatening to engulf him. He had no choice. Kathryn was the only one he could tell, he was tired of being lonely.  
  
In the lift, Kathryn began to wonder if this was such a good idea.  
  
As he followed her in and she started to pick up items from the table moving toward the replicator until she remembered did not work. She paused, looking uneasy now. He sat by the window, and waited.  
  
The full force of her situation hit home. There wasn't a single person on Voyager, in whom she could confide that she might just be getting in over her head. She ran her hands anxiously over the back of the chair. No! That's wrong there was one Chakotay her friend. Surely that meant she should be able to tell him she was tired of being alone.  
  
"Chakotay." was as far as she got. Tears slid down her cheeks, her breathing growing uneven as she tried to stop.  
  
He moved forward concern all over his face "You're crying"  
  
"I'm okay...sorry.. " She hiccupped as she tried to hold back the tears. Placing his index finger under her chin, he raised her head making his friend look at him, as he spoke.  
  
"Kathryn, tell me?"  
  
"I just don't..want.." she tried to control her tears, "I don't want to be alone..."  
  
He watched as Kathryn raised her hand wiping away a tear, one of many rolling down his face.  
  
Wrapping her arms around him, she held him to her. Raising his arms, he held her tight as the tears continued to fall - not only from his eyes - but also from hers.  
  
"Neither do I..." as he spoke, she tightened her hold. Burying her face in his shoulder, she tried to forget their tears because each one broke her heart.  
  
Pulling apart, they gazed at each other intently, as if they were trying to commit the other to memory. Neither Chakotay nor Kathryn knew who moved first, but their lips meet in a friendly kiss, each needing to reassure the other that it was okay.  
  
"Always "At his words, her legs gave way and she slumped into the chair.  
  
"Kathryn" he fell to his knees in front of her taking her hands in his.  
  
"Chakotay. " She replied looking down at his hands covering hers and took a deep breath before letting it out slowly "don't please.."  
  
"Kathryn you have to hear this."  
  
Raising her eyes to his, there was a look of understanding. She nodded it was all she could do.  
  
Closing his eyes, he bowed his head. Silence passed for several moments. He looked as if he were struggling with his thoughts. "Kathryn I love you" he raised his finger to her lips indicating that she not speak yet "From the first moment I saw you, I felt I could trust you and I do." Kathryn listened intently and nodded in agreement letting him know she felt the same.  
  
He continued, "Until New Earth I didn't know how deep my feelings might go, but I Realised then that I could fall in love with you. But you were engaged to another man all I could do was tell you a legend." She placed a hand on his face as he spoke. Taking his other she joined their hands as they had that night long ago. Distant Memories.  
  
"I couldn't ask you not to love him, maybe with more time..." A tear slipped from the corner of her eye he moved to kiss it away.  
  
"Then we got the letters I hoped that soon you would feel ready to move on, but things were not meant to be." He paused raising both hands to hold her face "As you said then our life is not uneventful. I should have told you then." As he spoke, she seemed to be looking into his very soul. "But we've always had bad timing Kathryn, after that I started to realise the longer we waited the less chance we had. Oh, I wished we'd had more time on New Earth. We can only dream of what we might have had if we were still there"  
  
Moving to sit beside her taking both hands in his, "I need you Kathryn. I need my best friend, I don't want to live a day without you" She released his hands, for a moment time stood still. Standing she moved toward her desk. Her back turned to him. After all this time, she finally felt ready to tell him how she felt and now he didn't love her anymore.  
  
Is this what he'd felt like all these years having his love refused.  
  
She felt his breath on her neck she felt his concern placing his hands on her shoulders he turned her to face him "Kathryn?" his eyes were full of love but only for a friend, it seemed.  
  
She had to speak "I'll always be here for you too." She traced her finger over his tattoo this was the last time she'd allow herself to touch him. He caught her hand with his a look of uncertainty on his face.  
  
Chakotay had not expected this. He thought she would be glad to be free, to be friends. He realised something had changed. She'd changed.  
  
"I'm glad you're my friend Chakotay, and that you loved me." she spoke keeping her head low "I wish I could feel differently Chakotay, but I don't think I can"  
  
His expression tore at her as "I wish you could too Kathryn, but I know you'll never love me as I love you"  
  
Her head snapped up "What?"  
  
He repeated slowly "I said I wish.."  
  
She drew a ragged breath "No I heard you, I mean I do." His expression made her laugh  
  
"I love you Chakotay"  
  
  
  
The End  
  
There is always time. In addition, where there is time, there is hope. If you need either turn, your eyes and you will always find me.  
  
  
  
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